| DANCING MASTER |
(to the
singers and dancers) Go and wait in the side
room until he arrives.(Exit SINGERS and
DANCERS) |
| MUSIC MASTER |
(to the Pupil)
Have you finished your piece? |
| PUPIL |
(handing it to
him) Yes |
| MUSIC MASTER |
(reading)
I say. This is really very good. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Something new,
maestro? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Yes. A little
something I've had my pupil compose here, while
we wait for Matey to descend from his bedchamber.
An exquisite little serenade, actually. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Let's have a
look. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Certainly not!
You'll hear it, sung properly, when our friend
puts in an appearance. I presume there's a danger
he'll be up and dressed by lunchtime. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Don't complain.
This one's a nice little earner. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Indeed. Was there
ever such a perfect employer? It seems he can
only achieve his dreams of social rank by
spending vast sums on music and dance If only
there were more like our Monsieur Jordan. Both
our professions would be booming, and society
would be the better for it. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Yes, I suppose.
Although, it would be nice if he actually showed
even a minimal appreciation of our work. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Well, obviously,
that would help. On the other hand, he may not be
able to handle musical notes too well, but he
does handle banknotes to such attractive effect!.
And serious art does need seriously rich patrons,
above all. |
| DANCING MASTER |
True, but I do so
yearn for an occasional glimmer of glory. There's
nothing like a ripple of well-placed applause to
warm the cockles; and no worse torture than
performing for barbarians incapable of responding
to the subtleties of an artistic creation.
Furthermore, if I may just finish, thank you, you
must agree that our greatest pleasure, as
practitioners of the fine arts, is to play to a
cultured and refined audience who reward our
efforts with enlightened applause. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Of course, I
enjoy a spot of applause as well as the next man.
But unfortunately one cannot eat applause. Praise
puts no meat on the table, whereas cash has the
canniest knack of doing just that. And, I must
hand it to Matey - he does hand the cash out most
expertly. Who cares whether his critical
faculties are well-honed or not, or indeed
whether they even exist? It shouldn't be our
concern that he's incapable of stringing three
words together. Indeed, we should perhaps be
grateful, since, when he does open his mouth , it
discharges only drivel. What matters is that he
has the most discerning wallet it has ever been
my pleasure to know. This ignorant bourgeois, by
the way, if I may just finish, thank you, is
worth a whole lot more to us than the enlightened
young aristocrat who introduced us to this
household. |
| DANCING MASTER |
What you say is
largely true, but I frankly find all this
emphasis on money very distasteful. Really, it
ill becomes a true artist to be too preoccupied
with financial gain. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Indeed? I haven't
noticed you refusing the financial gain offered
by our friend. |
| DANCING MASTER |
No, but it always
pains me deeply to accept it. I just wish he
offered a modicum of good taste along with it. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Well, so do I.
But, look at it this way, his money enables us to
show off our work to all of Paris society . He
funds it, they applaud it, and we..….. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Shhh, here he
comes! |
| |
(Enter
MONSIEUR JORDAN, wearing a flamboyant oriental
dressing gown, and attended by two PAGES. |
| M. JORDAN |
How goes it,
gents? Ready with your song and dance routine? |
| DANCING MASTER |
I beg your
pardon! |
| M. JORDAN |
Er…What was
it you called it? A prologue…er, monologue
….duet…minuet, or some such? Anyway, a
show. |
| DANCING MASTER |
(aside)
Good grief! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
We're all ready
for you. |
| M. JORDAN |
I'm afraid I've
had to keep you waiting a bit. But I'm having
myself dressed today like a person of noble
birth, and my tailor sent me a pair of silk
stockings that are so tight I thought I'd never
squeeze myself into them. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
We are here
exclusively to wait on your pleasure. |
| M. JORDAN |
Eh? Oh yes.
Anyway, I want both of you to stay until they
bring my new suit, so you can see me in it. |
| DANCING MASTER |
As you wish. |
| M. JORDAN |
I think you'll be
impressed. I'll be kitted out in all the latest
stuff, from top to toe. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Without a doubt. |
| M. JORDAN |
I had this
oriental dressing gown made for myself. What do
you think? |
| DANCING MASTER |
It's…quite
remarkable. |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, isn't it. My
tailor says this is what people of noble birth
wear in the morning, when they first get up. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
It's
absolutely…you! |
| M. JORDAN |
Oy! Pages! Where
are my two pages? |
| 1st
PAGE |
What can I do for
you, sir? |
| M. JORDAN |
Nothing. I just
wanted to check you were in attendance and
hanging on my every word. (to the two Masters)
Great, aren't they? What do you think of the
livery? |
| DANCING MASTER |
Magnificent. |
| |
M. Jordan
opens his dressing gown to reveal a garish jacket
and pair of breeches underneath) |
| M. JORDAN |
And I had this
little outfit run up for my morning
constitutionals. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
How…fitting! |
| M. JORDAN |
Page! |
| 1st
PAGE |
Sir? |
| M. JORDAN |
No, the other
page! |
| 2nd
PAGE |
Sir? |
| M. JORDAN |
Here, take my
dressing gown. How do I look now? |
| DANCING MASTER |
Sheer perfection. |
| M. JORDAN |
Right. Well, I'm
ready to watch your little entertainment now. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
First, I'd like
this young man to play you a most charming tune I
had him compose for the new serenade that you
ordered. He is one of my most talented students. |
| M. JORDAN |
You had a mere
student do the work? The cheek of it! I'm paying
for the organ-grinder, you know, not the monkey! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Please, monsieur,
don't be fooled by the word 'student'. Any
student of mine is naturally superior to the most
noted musicians of our age. Please, just listen. |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, alright.
Let's begin. (He sits down, expectantly, and
the Pupil plays the opening of the piece. M.
Jordan jumps up) Wait, give me my dressing
gown so that I can listen better. (The Pages
put it on him. He sits, the Pupil resumes
playing. M. Jordan jumps up again) No, hang
on, I think I'll be better without it.(The
Pages remove it. He sits. Same business). No.
No, I was definitely better able to listen with
it on. (Same business. He settles down waving
the PAGES off. They exit). |
| PUPIL |
(Sings)
|
| |
I languish night
and day, and my pain is extreme, As I await a look of
love from your cruel eyes.
But from their
beauteous depths, O dearest, it
would seem,
Comes forth no
gentle passion, and so my soul
dies.
|
| M. JORDAN |
What a miserable
song! It's sending me to sleep. Couldn't you
liven it up a bit, here and there? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Monsieur, the key
and tempo must fit the sentiment expressed by the
words. |
| M. JORDAN |
I learnt a good
song once. Very jolly, it was. Let me
see…how did it go? |
| DANCING MASTER |
Good grief! How
should I know? |
| M. JORDAN |
There was
definitely a sheep in it. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Sheep? |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes. How did it
go, now…? (he looks across at the Pupil,
who helpfully plays the opening of 'Baa baa black
sheep') No. That wasn't it….Ah, I
remember (sings, to the tune of 'Liliburlero')
Janey, my love,
when you lie asleep Your cute little hooves
remind me of sheep.
When you awake,
and they start to dance
There's no
better hoofer in all of France.
Baaaa ba, baaaa
ba,
Baa baa baa baa
baa!
My love for you
is so true and so deep.
Oh, Janey, my
Janey
My heart-throb,
my zany,
Come, let us
frolic as if we were sheep
|
| |
There. Isn't that
pretty? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Quite sublime. |
| DANCING MASTER |
And you sing it
so well. |
| M. JORDAN |
And, do you know,
I've never taken a single music lesson in my
whole life. Isn't that amazing? |
| DANCING MASTER |
Incredible! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
You should study
it, monsieur, along with your dance. The two are
so closely linked. |
| M. JORDAN |
Do people of
noble birth study both? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Absolutely. |
| M. JORDAN |
Then I shall do
so. Although I can't think where I'll find the
time. In addition to my fencing master, I've now
employed a philosopher who's due to start this
very morning. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Philosophy's all
very well, of course, but music….ahhh music,
monsieur… |
| DANCING MASTER |
And dance! Music
and dance, music and dance. There is nothing
else. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
There is nothing
so useful to society as music. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Without dance,
mankind would be quite lost. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
All the riots and
wars in the world could be avoided, if only
people would study music. |
| DANCING MASTER |
All of men's
misery, all the fatal setbacks inflicted by
history, the politicians' blunders and the
generals' failures, all, all stem from the want
of knowing how to dance. |
| M. JORDAN |
Really? How is
that? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Is not war caused
by a certain discord between men? |
| M. JORDAN |
That's true. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
So, if all men
studied music, wouldn't that teach them harmony,
leading to universal peace? |
| M. JORDAN |
You're absolutely
right! |
| DANCING MASTER |
And, when someone
has made a mistake in his public or private
duties, do we not say 'he's out of step'? |
| M. JORDAN |
So we do! |
| DANCING MASTER |
Well, being out
of step must result from not knowing how to
dance! |
| M. JORDAN |
You're absolutely
right! You're both absolutely right! |
| DANCING MASTER |
We simply wish
you to understand the essential ways in which
music and dance contribute to the world. |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, I do
understand that now! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
So. Are we ready
to watch the two pieces now? |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
As I told you,
the first is an attempt to demonstrate the ways
in which music can express the emotions. |
| M. JORDAN |
Excellent. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
(To the
singers) Come in here please. You must
imagine them dressed as shepherds. |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, not shepherds
again! Why must we always have shepherds? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Because it is
most natural for shepherds to sing about their
passions. It would hardly be realistic to have
princes, or even the bourgeoisie, expressing
their true feelings in song. In fact it would be
most embarrassing. |
| M. JORDAN |
Fine. Whatever.
Proceed. |
| |
(The SINGERS
perform their duet) |
| M. JORDAN |
Is that it? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Yes |
| M. JORDAN |
Well, that was a
pleasant enough little trifle. And there were
some quite nice …words…here and there. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Now, for my
offering, a little demonstration of the most
beautiful steps and movements in the dance
repertoire. |
| M. JORDAN |
Must they be
shepherds again? |
| DANCING MASTER |
They can be
whatever you wish them to be. |
| |
(The DANCING
MASTER claps his hands and the DANCERS perform
their dance) |
| M. JORDAN |
Well, that wasn't
bad at all. And those chaps wiggle around very
well. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
When the whole
thing is put together, it should be stunning. You
won't be disappointed by the little spectacle we
are preparing for you. |
| M. JORDAN |
Good, it needs to
be ready by this evening. It's to entertain a
lady who will honour me with her presence here
for dinner later. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Everything is
ready. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
There is one
other thing, monsieur. A person such as yourself,
of such high social standing and discernment,
should be holding a musical recital at home at
least once or twice a week. |
| M. JORDAN |
Really? Is that
what people of noble birth do? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Yes, it is. |
| M. JORDAN |
Then I'll do it.
Can we make it wonderful? |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Of course. We
shall need three voices, one soprano, one
counter-tenor and one bass. These to be
accompanied by a cello, a lute , a harpsichord
for the basso continuo and two violins for the
ritornello. |
| M. JORDAN |
And an accordion.
The old squeeze-box is my favourite instrument. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Leave everything
to us. |
| M. JORDAN |
Just so long as
you remember to send the musicians in later, to
play at the dinner table. |
| DANCING MASTER |
It's all
arranged. You will not be disappointed. I am
particularly proud of the minuet. |
| M. JORDAN |
Ah, the minuet!
That's my dance! You must watch me do it. Come
on, maestro! |
| DANCING MASTER |
A hat, please,
monsieur! |
| |
(M. JORDAN
puts on a hat, and he and the DANCING MASTER do a
minuet) |
| DANCING MASTER |
La, la, la (etc)
keep in time, please la la…right leg…la
la…don't shake your shoulders about so
much…la, la… both your arms are wrongly
positioned…la, la,…Head up…la,
la…point your toes outwards…la,
la…hold your back straight. |
| M. JORDAN |
Ugh! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Bravo! |
| M. JORDAN |
By the way, I
need to know, for this evening's dinner, how to
bow properly to a countess. |
| DANCING MASTER |
How to bow to a
countess? |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes. A countess
called Dorimene. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Give me your
hand. |
| M. JORDAN |
No, just show me.
I'll remember perfectly. |
| DANCING MASTER |
To show maximum
respect, first bow stepping backwards. Then three
steps forward, bowing on each. The final bow
should reach down to her knee-level. |
| M. JORDAN |
Show me, then.
Good. Fine. |
| |
( Enter a
PAGE) |
| 1st
PAGE |
Sir, your Fencing
Master has arrived. |
| M. JORDAN |
Show him in for
the lesson. I want you both to see this. |
Scene 2
|
|
| |
(Enter the
FENCING MASTER. He throws M. JORDAN a foil, which
the latter just catches as the Fencing Master
salutes him.) |
| FENCING MASTER |
Your salute,
monsieur! Stand up straight. Weight over the left
thigh. Legs not so wide apart. Line up your feet.
Wrist in line with your hip. The tip of your foil
at shoulder level. Arm slightly less extended.
Left hand at eye level. Open up your shoulders.
Head up. Look me in the eye. Lunge! Hold the body
steady. Parry in quarte, and now riposte. One,
two, and again! Feet steady. When you thrust,
monsieur, you must disengage the foil first, and
your body must present sideways on. One, two.
Now, parry in tierce and riposte again. Lunge.
Body steady. Lunge. Now go from there. One, two.
Recover. And again. One, two, and take a leap
backwards. En garde, sir, en garde! |
| |
(The FENCING
MASTER scores a number of direct hits on the
bewildered M. JORDAN) |
| M. JORDAN |
Ugh! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
You're doing
wonderfully well! |
| FENCING MASTER |
How many times
must I repeat this? The secret of successful
swordplay is to give and not to receive. As I
proved to you at the last lesson, by a process of
demonstrable logic, it is impossible for you to
be hit so long as you know how to deflect your
opponent's weapon from the line of your body.
This you achieve with the smallest flick of the
wrist, either inside or outside. See? |
| M. JORDAN |
So, using this
technique, a man can be sure of killing his
opponent without risk of getting killed himself,
and without needing to be in possession of even
an ounce of courage? |
| FENCING MASTER |
Absolutely! Do
you need any further demonstration? |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, no! |
| FENCING MASTER |
All of which
underlines the status that fencing should have in
society, and the vital importance of the science
of weaponry compared to the useless so-called
sciences of dancing, music,… |
| DANCING MASTER |
Just hold it
right there, Mr Flashy Swordsman, I must ask you
to show a bit more respect to the art of dance. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
And kindly keep a
civil tongue in your head on the subject of
music. |
| FENCING MASTER |
You cannot be
serious if you believe your sciences are worthy
of comparison to mine! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Oooh! Look at him
with his airs and graces! |
| DANCING MASTER |
Strutting around
like a cock in a breastplate! |
| |
(The FENCING
MASTER places his foil point under the MUSIC
MASTER'S crotch and walks him around the stage) |
| FENCING MASTER |
My dear little
music master, allow me to teach you a new song,
reaching notes you have never even dreamt of
attempting before. |
| |
(The FENCING
MASTER shifts his attention to the DANCING
MASTER, and makes him dance around the stage by
thrusting and swiping at his feet with the foil) |
| FENCING MASTER |
And you, little
dancing master, I can teach you to dance with a
virtuosity and a rhythm that you never knew you
had. |
| DANCING MASTER |
You great
hopper-arsed, skinny-dicked fart-catcher. I'll
teach you a lesson….. |
| M. JORDAN |
Are you mad? You
can't pick a fight with a man who knows his
tierce from his quarte, and knows how to kill a
man using demonstrable logic |
| DANCING MASTER |
I gob on his
demonstrable logic, and on his tierce, and on his
quarte! |
| M. JORDAN |
Please, both of
you…. |
| FENCING MASTER |
You impertinent
pile of goat droppings! |
| M. JORDAN |
Really, my dear
fencing master… |
| DANCING MASTER |
You
barnacle-brained mullet-mouth! |
| M. JORDAN |
Whoa, Mr dancing
master…. |
| FENCING MASTER |
I'll stuff
fermented toenail-clippings up your nostrils! |
| M. JORDAN |
Calm down! |
| DANCING MASTER |
I'll insert your
mother's giblets into your every orifice! |
| M. JORDAN |
Gentlemen,
please… |
| FENCING MASTER |
Let me swing from
his nose-hairs! |
| M. JORDAN |
For God's
sake…. |
| DANCING MASTER |
Let me slap his
buttocks with a wet haddock! |
| M. JORDAN |
I beg you…. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Come on, let's
teach this great eunuch's bloomers a lesson! |
| M. JORDAN |
You stay out of
this! |
| 2nd
PAGE |
Monsieur, your
philosophy teacher has arrived. |
| |
(Enter the
PHILOSOPHER) |
| M. JORDAN |
Thank goodness,
Monsieur! You're here just in time to save the
day with some philosophy. See if you can restore
some peace here. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
What is the
problem, gentlemen? Define its precise nature, if
you please. |
| M. JORDAN |
By each trying to
prove that his is the top science, they've worked
themselves up into such a rage that they've come
to blows. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Really,
gentlemen! Is there any need for these
fisticuffs? You have surely all read Seneca's
treatise on anger? Is there any spectacle more
base or shameful to contemplate than an
uncontrolled passion? It transforms us into wild
beasts, when reason should be guiding our every
action. |
| DANCING MASTER |
What? This
dick-witted flaybottomist has dared to insult the
fine arts of dance and music. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
A wise man rises
above such injury, and responds magnanimously to
insult with moderation and patience. |
| FENCING MASTER |
These two
dung-kickers have had the audacity to compare
their low arts with my sublime profession! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
So what? It is
demeaning for men to squabble over status and
glory, when what distinguishes us from our
fellows is wisdom and virtue. |
| DANCING MASTER |
I maintain that
dance is an art form deserving the highest
respect. |
| MUSIC MASTER |
And I that music
has been revered by men since time immemorial. |
| FENCING MASTER |
And I wish to
assert that fencing is the noblest and most
useful of all the arts. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
And what of
philosophy? How dare any of you, in my presence,
refer to your…your petty leisure pursuits as
arts. You are nothing better than a hoofer, a
crooner and a gladiator! |
| FENCING MASTER |
You pustulent
pedant of a philosopher! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
You cabbage-eared
carbuncle! |
| DANCING MASTER |
You bran-faced
bumbailiff! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
What? You bunch
of goose-piss-lickers! Just let me… |
| |
(He hurls
himself at the trio, and all four fall to
fighting) |
| M. JORDAN |
Mr Philosopher! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Take that,
insolent little jerks! |
| M. JORDAN |
Mr Philosopher! |
| FENCING MASTER |
Bubonic
bird-brain! |
| M. JORDAN |
Gentlemen! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Impudent
flat-cocks! |
| M. JORDAN |
Mr. Philosopher! |
| DANCING MASTER |
Spank him with a
bull's pizzle! |
| M. JORDAN |
Gentlemen! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Whore-maggotty
twiddle-poops! |
| M. JORDAN |
Mr. Philosopher! |
| MUSIC MASTER |
Smear him with
piss-marinated dilberries! |
| M. JORDAN |
Gentlemen! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Scabby jackasses!
Snivelling toss-pots! Turnip-pated tallywags! |
| M. JORDAN |
Mr. Philosopher!
Gentlemen! Mr. Philosopher! Gentlemen! Mr.
Philosopher! (The four of them exit, fighting)
Oh. Alright! Go ahead and fight to your heart's
content. I'm certainly not going to spoil my nice
new dressing-gown trying to separate you. I'd be
mad to mess with that lot - I'd be bound to get a
black eye for my pains. |
Scene 3
|
|
| |
(Enter the
PHILOSOPHER, straightening his collar) |
| PHILOSOPHER |
So, then, shall
we get on with our lesson? |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, monsieur! I'm
sorry you've been given such a beating! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
It was nothing.
It's the business of a philosopher to bear such
travails with equanimity. And, anyway, I shall
write a satire against them in the style of
Juvenal. That will destroy them with just the
right vindictiveness. Enough of them. What would
you like to learn today? |
| M. JORDAN |
As much as
possible. I have such a thirst for knowledge. I
blame my parents for neglecting my education when
I was a young boy. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
A very reasonable
reaction on your part. Nam sine doctrina vita
est quasi mortis imago. You understand what
I'm getting at, of course, since I presume you
know latin. |
| M. JORDAN |
Of course. But
let's pretend that I don't. And tell me what it
means. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
It means:
'without knowledge, life is almost the same as
death'. |
| M. JORDAN |
Damned clever,
those latins! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Were you not even
given the basic principles of science? |
| M. JORDAN |
Oh, Lord, yes! I
know how to read and write. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Excellent! Where
would you like to start, monsieur? Would you like
me to teach you logic? |
| M. JORDAN |
What is it,
exactly? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
It is through
logic that we learn the Three Methods of
Thinking. |
| M. JORDAN |
And what are
these Three Methods of Thinking? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
They are: the
First Method of Thinking, the Second Method of
Thinking and the Third Method of Thinking. |
| M. JORDAN |
I see. Yes. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
The First Method
is mastery of techniques of conceptual thinking
by universal analogy; the Second Method is to
arrive at efficient judgements through the use of
categorisation conventions; and the Third Method
involves a deductive methodology for drawing
analogous conclusions via mathematical models and
figurative use of language We refer to the
theories of Barbara, Celarent, Darii, Ferio,
Baralipton, etc. |
| M. JORDAN |
That all sounds a
bit off-putting. I'm not sure that logic is quite
my thing. Can we learn something a bit more
jolly? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Would you like to
study ethics? |
| M. JORDAN |
Ethics? What's
that? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
It deals with the
pursuit of happiness. And teaches you how to
control your emotions. |
| M. JORDAN |
No. No. I think
not. I do suffer from uncontrollable grumpiness
from time to time, and I doubt whether ethics
would help that. And, anyway, I want to be able
to lose my temper whenever I please. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
How about
learning physics, then? |
| M. JORDAN |
Physics? What's
that? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Physics is the
study of the natural world. It describes the
principles and the properties of matter. It
explores the nature of elements, metals,
minerals, rocks, plants and animals, and explains
the cause of meteors, rainbows, shooting stars,
comets, lightning, thunder, rain, snow, hail,
hurricanes and tornadoes. |
| M. JORDAN |
That all sounds
like a terrible racket. Far too noisy for me. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Well, what would
you like me to teach you? |
| M. JORDAN |
Teach me to
spell. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Willingly. |
| M. JORDAN |
And afterwards,
you can teach me the almanac, so that I'll know
when there's a moon and when there isn't. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Whatever. Now, to
approach the subject according to true
philosophical principles, we need to begin at the
beginning, with a detailed examination of the
exact nature of the letters of the alphabet,
starting with how they are pronounced. First, you
should know that the letters are divided into
vowels - so called because the sound is produced
by the vibration of the vocal cords - and
consonants, which make up the sounds which come
in between the vowels. There are five vowel
sounds, pronounced thus: A,E,I,O,U (use short
vowel sounds) |
| M. JORDAN |
I understand
this. This is easy! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
The vowel A is
created by opening the mouth fully - A. |
| M. JORDAN |
A, A. Yes. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
To make the vowel
E, bring the lower jaw up to meet the upper one :
A, E. |
| M. JORDAN |
A,E; A,E; A,E.
Goodness, yes! That's terrific! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
And to make an I,
you simply bring the two jaws even closer
together, and stretch the corners of the mouth
out towards the ears: A, E, I. |
| M. JORDAN |
A, E, I, I, I, I.
So you do! Isn't science wonderful! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
The O vowel is
made by re-opening the jaws and pursing the lips
together, so: O. |
| M. JORDAN |
O, O. Spot on! A,
E, I, O, I, O. Brilliant! I, O, I, O. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
In fact, the
mouth opens to create a little circle, just like
an O! |
| M. JORDAN |
O, O, O. Oh
you're so right! O. It's wonderful to know so
many things! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
And, finally, U
is made by opening the mouth wide in a grin: U. |
| M. JORDAN |
U, U. That's
absolutely correct! U, U. If only I'd studied all
this earlier, I would have been so knowledgeable! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Well, you have
made such rapid progress today that, tomorrow, I
think we could move on to the consonants. |
| M. JORDAN |
That will be
excellent. I do need to maintain progress. I've
lost so much time already, thanks to my parents'
negligence. I hope that the new letters will be
as rewarding as today's. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Never fear,
monsieur, I shall reveal all the secrets of the
alphabet to you. In depth. |
| M. JORDAN |
Good. Now, I need
your help in a confidential matter. I am in love
with a lady of noble birth. And I would like you
to help me write her a little note expressing my
feelings for her. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Certainly,
monsieur. With pleasure! |
| M. JORDAN |
That would be the
gallant thing to do, eh? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
It would indeed.
Did you want to write her some poetry? |
| M. JORDAN |
No. Definitely
not poetry. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Right. So, a
piece of prose, then. |
| M. JORDAN |
Ugh, no! can't
stand prose either! |
| PHILOSOPHER |
I'm afraid it
will have to be one or the other. |
| M. JORDAN |
Why? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Because,
monsieur, there are regrettably only two forms in
which you may express yourself: poetry and prose. |
| M. JORDAN |
What? Nothing
else? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
No, monsieur. All
that is not poetry is prose and all that is not
prose, sadly, is poetry. |
| M. JORDAN |
What about the
stuff we talk all day? What do you call that? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Prose. |
| M. JORDAN |
What? You mean to
tell me that when I say 'Nicole, bring me my
slippers and nightcap', that's prose? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Yes, monsieur. |
| M. JORDAN |
Stap me! Here I
am speaking prose for over forty years without
ever realising it! I am very grateful to you for
teaching me that! Anyway, what I want to write in
the note is this: 'Beautiful Countess, your
lovely eyes make me die for love'. But I want it
expressed in a more gallant style. You know, a
bit smoother. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
So, you'd want to
say something along the lines that her eyes
reduce your heart to cinders, and that you are
suffering day and night from a surfeit of ardent
and violent….. |
| M. JORDAN |
No, no, no! I
don't want any of that flowery stuff. I just want
what I told you - 'Beautiful Countess, your
lovely eyes make me die for love'. |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Surely you want
to stretch it a bit further… |
| M. JORDAN |
Absolutely not! I
want to use only the words that I gave you. Only
arranged more fashionably. Could you give me some
examples, please, of different ways in which they
might be ordered? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
Well, in the
first place, of course, you could use exactly the
order that you started with: 'Beautiful Countess,
your lovely eyes make me die for love'. Then you
could do: 'For love, beautiful Countess, your
lovely eyes make me die'. Or: 'Your lovely eyes
for love make me, beautiful Countess, die'. Or
then again: 'Make me die your eyes, beautiful
Countess, for love'. |
| M. JORDAN |
Right. So which
of those is the best? |
| PHILOSOPHER |
The one that you
said. 'Beautiful Countess, your lovely eyes make
me die for love'. |
| M. JORDAN |
It's astounding!
Even though I've never studied, I just hit on
exactly the right words first time! Thank you so
much for the lesson, and please come again
tomorrow at the same time. |
| |
(Exit the
PHILOSOPHER. M. JORDAN summons his PAGE) |
| |
Hasn't my new
suit come yet? |
| 2nd
PAGE |
No sir. |
Scene 4
|
|
| M. JORDAN |
That poxy clod of
a tailor deserves a kick up the arse for keeping
me waiting on such an important day! How dare he!
I've a good mind to box his cloth ears for him
when he gets here! God, I'm seething! This is too
much! When I get hold of the snivelling molly,
I'll see his testicles are placed in his ironing
press! Who the hell does he think he is treating
me this way? The little bastard's going to
get…….. |
| |
(Enter the
TAILOR, escorted by the 1st
PAGE, and carrying M. Jordan's new suit.) |
| |
Ah, there you
are! Good to see you! I was close to getting a
little impatient. |
| TAILOR |
I was unable to
get here any earlier. I have had twenty
apprentices working non-stop on your suit. |
| M. JORDAN |
These silk
stockings you sent me are so tight it took me
hours to struggle into them this morning, and
there are already two ladders in them. |
| TAILOR |
They'll stretch
soon enough. |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, when there
are enough ladders in them. You've also had a
pair of shoes made for me that pinch like mad.
They're agony! |
| TAILOR |
No, they're not. |
| M. JORDAN |
What do you mean,
they're not? |
| TAILOR |
They don't pinch
you at all. |
| M. JORDAN |
Dammit! I'm
telling you that those shoes pinch my feet! |
| TAILOR |
You're just
imagining it. |
| M. JORDAN |
I'm imagining it
because I'm feeling it. How's that for logic? |
| TAILOR |
Here. This will
put all the suits at court in the shade. By a
stroke of sheer genius, I have succeeded in
making a serious and sober outfit that isn't
black. I've had it made up in sections by six of
my best apprentices. |
| M. JORDAN |
What's this?
You've made it with the pattern upside down? |
| TAILOR |
You never said
you wanted it the right way up. |
| M. JORDAN |
Is it necessary
to specify that? |
| TAILOR |
Of course. People
of noble birth are wearing their patterns this
way up this season. |
| M. JORDAN |
People of noble
birth wear their fabric upside down? |
| TAILOR |
Yes, sir. |
| M. JORDAN |
Ah, well, that'll
do nicely then! |
| TAILOR |
If you prefer, I
can put it the right way up… |
| M. JORDAN |
No, no. |
| TAILOR |
You have only to
say. |
| M. JORDAN |
No, I tell you,
it's fine as it is, thank you. Do you think it
suits me? |
| TAILOR |
What a question!
An artist could not paint you a more…fitting
picture, no matter how skilled his brush. Though
I say so myself, my apprentices are little short
of geniuses and amongst the greatest heroes of
our age! |
| M. JORDAN |
Are the wig and
feathers alright? |
| TAILOR |
Everything is
perfect |
| M. JORDAN |
(Examining the
tailor's suit) Ah ha, my fine tailor, I
recognise this material. Isn't this some of the
stuff from which you made my last suit? |
| TAILOR |
The fabric's
beauty enchanted me so much that I simply had to
have a suit in it myself. |
| M. JORDAN |
All very well, so
long as this isn't made out of material I paid
for. |
| TAILOR |
Shall we try on
your new suit now? |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, give it
here. |
| TAILOR |
Wait! It must be
put on with due ceremony! I have brought along
some of my assistants to dress you in a manner
fitting to such a suit. Ho there, come in here
(Enter the four APPRENTICES) Dress Monsieur
in this suit, and mind you do it in the manner
you normally reserve for people of noble birth. |
| |
(Music. The
four Apprentices perform a ridiculous and
demeaning dance around the unsuspecting M.
Jordan, who willingly participates. First two of
them remove his breeches, then two his tunic,
before all four of them fit his new suit. M.
Jordan struts amongst them, showing off his new
outfit.) |
| 1ST
APPRENTICE |
Will your honour
give the apprentices a little something for their
trouble, please? |
| M. JORDAN |
What did you call
me? |
| 1ST
APPRENTICE |
Your honour. |
| M. JORDAN |
Your honour! So,
that's what comes of dressing like a person of
noble birth? If I had remained all my life
dressed as nothing more than a bourgeois, no-one
would ever have thought to address me as 'Your
honour'! (He tips the Apprentice) There,
that's for 'your honour'. |
| 1ST
APPRENTICE |
Thank you very
much, my lord. |
| M. JORDAN |
'My lord'! Oh,
oh! 'My lord'! Now there's a name to conjure
with! That must be worth a bit extra. (Tipping
him) Take this from your lord. |
| 1ST
APPRENTICE |
My lord, we shall
drink to your grace's health. |
| M. JORDAN |
'Your grace'! Oh,
oh, oh! 'Your grace'! Wait, don't go away. Oh,
my! 'Your grace' (Aside) If he gets up to
Highness, he'll clean me out! (to the
Apprentice) Here, take more from your grace. |
| 1st
APPRENTICE |
My lord, we thank
you most humbly for your generosity. |
| M. JORDAN |
Well, just as
well he stopped there. My purse is almost empty. |
| |
(Music. The
four Apprentices perform a joyful little dance) |
