| M. JORDAN |
(To his Pages)
Follow me. I'm going to promenade my new suit
around the town. It's important that you walk
very close behind me, so that everyone can see
that you're mine. |
| |
|
| PAGES |
Yes, sir. |
| M. JORDAN |
Where's Nicole? I
need to give her some instructions for this
evening. Nicole! (Enter NICOLE, who
immediately breaks into uncontrollable giggling,
at the sight of M. Jordan) Ah, Nicole,
listen…I need you
to….Listen!…What's so funny?…What
is the meaning of this? Cheeky monkey!…. |
| NICOLE |
(Helpless with
laughter) Oh, oh, please! That suit! Oh my
God!… |
| M. JORDAN |
What's the
meaning of this? Do you dare to laugh at me? |
| NICOLE |
Oh, mercy! Please
monsieur! |
| M. JORDAN |
Stop laughing
this minute, or I'll box your ears for you… |
| NICOLE |
Monsieur, I can't
help it! |
| M. JORDAN |
Do you refuse to
stop? |
| NICOLE |
Forgive me,
monsieur, but…but, it's so funny! |
| M. JORDAN |
What, exactly, is
so funny, you insolent hussy? |
| NICOLE |
Your get-up,
monsieur! Oh, oh God! (she's off again) |
| M. JORDAN |
I tell you,
I'll…. |
| NICOLE |
Oh, please,
monsieur, let me go, I can't take much more of
this. |
| M. JORDAN |
For the last
time. Stop this giggling now, or I'll beat you to
within an inch of your life. Do you understand
me? |
| NICOLE |
(Stops
giggling at last) Perfectly, sir. I've
stopped. |
| M. JORDAN |
Right. Now, for
this evening, I need you to (Nicole starts
again)…I need you to make sure….I
need you to make sure that everything is properly
cleaned…Dammit, girl, are you starting
again? |
| NICOLE |
Oh, beat me,
monsieur! Please! Just beat me and let me laugh!
I can't bear it! I'd rather laugh my fill and
take a beating for it! |
| M. JORDAN |
So help
me….! |
| NICOLE |
I beg you, sir,
let me laugh! |
| M. JORDAN |
I swear, if I
catch you… |
| NICOLE |
(On the floor)
Monsieur! Help, I'll die if I don't let it out!
Ugh! |
| M. JORDAN |
Was there ever
such an insolent slut? How dare you come in here
and laugh in my face when you should be taking
orders? |
| NICOLE |
What do you want
doing, monsieur? |
| M. JORDAN |
I want my whole
house cleaned and prepared for company this
evening. |
| NICOLE |
(Getting up,
serious) Ah, I've suddenly lost my urgent
need to laugh. I know your 'company' and the mess
they leave behind them. The very word 'company'
is enough to put me in a bad mood. |
| M. JORDAN |
What? Should I
close my doors to people? |
| NICOLE |
There are certain
people I could name to whom you would do well to
close your doors. |
| |
(Enter Madame
Jordan) |
| MADAME J. |
Ah ha! And what's
this latest nonsense, husband? Have you gone
stark staring mad, getting yourself up in such a
paraphernalia? You look like a circus pony! Do
you want the whole world to laugh at you? |
| M.JORDAN |
Those who do so
will be fools. |
| MADAME J. |
Really, they
didn't need to wait for this! Everyone has had
plenty of opportunity to laugh at your antics for
some time! |
| M. JORDAN |
And who might
this 'everyone' be, exactly? |
| MADAME J. |
This everyone
would be everyone who is sane and sensible, and
therefore quite different from yourself! I am
appalled at the way you carry on these days. I
hardly recognise this house. Every day it's like
a carnival in here, and from the crack of dawn
we're subjected to a cacophony of musicians,
dancers and singers. No wonder all the neighbours
are always complaining. |
| NICOLE |
Madame is dead
right! How am I supposed to keep this place clean
with the shower of layabouts you bring in here
every day? They have the sort of shoes that pick
up dirt specially, from every corner of the town,
just to bring it in here and deposit it on our
freshly-polished floor. |
| M. JORDAN |
Oy! Shut your
prattling! You are a servant and a peasant! |
| MADAME J |
Nicole is right.
She has a lot more sense than you do. Kindly tell
me what you are doing with a dancing master, at
your age? |
| NICOLE |
And with a great
clodhopping fencing master, who comes stomping
through the house, shaking the walls so much that
the tiles fall off them? |
| M. JORDAN |
Shut up, the both
of you! |
| MADAME J |
Are you hoping to
have learnt how to dance by the time your legs
finally give out on you? |
| NICOLE |
Do you have
someone you'd like to kill? |
| M. JORDAN |
Will you both
shut up? You're a pair of ignorant females who
understand nothing of the need for social skills. |
| MADAME J |
You would do
better to devote your time and energy to finding
a decent husband for your daughter. She is of an
age, now, when she needs to get married. |
| M. JORDAN |
I shall marry my
daughter when a suitable prospective husband
presents himself. In the meantime, I need to
concentrate on improving my mind. |
| NICOLE |
The latest
addition, madame, to his little circus of
performers, is a philosopher! |
| M. JORDAN |
And why not? I
wish to acquire witty repartee, and be able to
discuss things earnestly with civilised people. |
| MADAME J |
Why not just go
back to school and be done with it. You could do
with a good caning! |
| M. JORDAN |
I'd gladly take a
caning if it meant learning some of the things
they teach in school. |
| NICOLE |
Well, it might
improve the curve of your leg! |
| MADAME J |
And it would be
essential to the smooth running of your
household! |
| M. JORDAN |
You can mock,
both of you, but you are talking rubbish and I'm
ashamed of your ignorance. For example, do you
realise what you are talking right now? |
| MADAME J |
I'm talking
sense. What are you talking? Nonsense! |
| M. JORDAN |
I don't mean
that. I mean what are we talking to each other,
at the moment? What is it? |
| MADAME J |
It's poppycock,
that's what it is! |
| M. JORDAN |
Ah ha! Now that's
where you're wrong! What is the language, the
words, that at this moment in time we are both
speaking, as we speak, so to speak? |
| MADAME J |
Well? |
| M. JORDAN |
What is it
actually called? |
| MADAME J |
For pity's sake,
you tell me what it's called. |
| M. JORDAN |
Very well, you
ignoramus. It's prose. |
| MADAME J |
Prose? |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, prose. All
that is prose is not poetry. And all that is
poetry is not prose! Ha! You see? You see the
benefits of having studied? And you, Nicole, do
you know what to do to say an U? |
| NICOLE |
What? |
| M. JORDAN |
What do you do
when you say U? |
| NICOLE |
What? |
| M. JORDAN |
Say U. Go on. |
| NICOLE |
Alright. U. |
| M. JORDAN |
Now, what are you
doing? |
| NICOLE |
I'm saying U. |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, but when you
say U, what are you doing? |
| NICOLE |
I'm doing what
you told me to do. |
| M. JORDAN |
No, no, no! Oh,
why must I have to educate imbeciles? You were
separating the two jaws, stretching the corners
of the mouth out towards the ears, and opening
the mouth wide in a grin. See? A grin, see? U. |
| NICOLE |
Lovely! |
| MADAME J |
Unbelievable! |
| M. JORDAN |
That's nothing!
You should see what's involved in an O! And as
for consonants…well! |
| MADAME J |
What is the
meaning of all this stuff and nonsense? |
| NICOLE |
And, more to the
point, what is its point? |
| M JORDAN |
God preserve us
from ignorant women! |
| MADAME J |
It's time you
sent all those people packing, with their fatuous
follies! |
| NICOLE |
Especially that
great slob of a fencing master, with his muddy
shoes all over my clean floor… |
| M JORDAN |
Ah ha! That
fencing master could do you a favour if you were
only to afford him some respect . I will
demonstrate. (To the Pages) Bring me the
foils. (The foils are brought on for him, and
he hands one to Nicole) Now, watch. When you
lunge in quarte you simply do this, and when you
lunge in tierce you simply do that. And you are
guaranteed never to be killed. Pretty reassuring
when you're in a fight with someone, eh? Go on,
try lunging at me now. |
| NICOLE |
Like this? (She
lunges and hits him several times) |
| M. JORDAN |
Oof! Good! Steady
on! Ouch! You cheeky little vixen! |
| NICOLE |
You said to
lunge. |
| M. JORDAN |
Yes, but you
lunged in tierce before lunging in quarte, and
you didn't wait for me to parry. |
| MADAME J. |
Husband, you have
gone raving mad. And it's all started since you
began hobnobbing with noblemen. |
| M. JORDAN |
By hobnobbing
with noblemen, as you put it, I demonstrate my
good taste and judgement. Unlike those who choose
instead to hobnob with the bourgeoisie. |
| MADAME J |
Oh, yes! There's
much to be gained by consorting with noblemen!
And you have been so canny in your dealings with
that Count of yours, the one you're so besotted
with. |
| M. JORDAN |
Silence! You know
nothing of such matters. Count Dorante is a more
important person than you could ever understand.
He is received at court and actually speaks to
the king on occasion, just as I'm speaking to you
now! I am deeply honoured that such a person is a
frequent visitor at my house, calls me his dear
friend, and treats me as his equal. And in front
of people, too! He has bestowed great and
gracious favours upon me. |
| MADAME J |
In exchange for
great and gracious sums of money! |
| M JORDAN |
Only loans! And
it is an honour to be able to lend money to a
gentleman of quality. How could I not respond to
the requests of a man of such high birth, who
deigns to call me his dear friend? |
| MADAME J |
Dear he certainly
is! And what's in it for you, husband? What do
you get in return? |
| M JORDAN |
That's none of
your business. |
| MADAME J |
What did you say? |
| M JORDAN |
Enough! I'm
saying no more. You'll just have to take my word
that any money he has borrowed will be paid back,
and sooner than you might expect. |
| MADAME J |
Don't hold your
breath. |
| M JORDAN |
He has given me
his word. |
| MADAME J |
Well, well! And
what exactly is that worth? |
| M JORDAN |
His word as a
gentleman. |
| MADAME J |
Stuff and
nonsense! |
| M JORDAN |
Will you stop
this? I'm telling you he will keep his word. I
can guarantee it. |
| MADAME J |
And I can
guarantee that he will not. You are completely
taken in by his charm and his flattery. |
| M JORDAN |
Shush! Here he
comes. |
Scene 2
|
|
| |
(Enter
DORANTE) |
| MADAME J |
Ha! That's all we
needed, more scrounging. The very sight of him
makes me feel nauseous. |
| M JORDAN |
Be quiet, woman! |
| DORANTE |
(Bowing
extravagantly) My dear Monsieur Jordan, how
are you today? |
| M JORDAN |
Very well, Count,
and humbly at your service. |
| DORANTE |
And Madame
Jordan? Is she also well? |
| MADAME J |
Madame is as well
as can be expected. |
| DORANTE |
Quite so. Why,
monsieur, your new suit! It's so…so
suitable! |
| M JORDAN |
It's nothing,
really. |
| DORANTE |
You look quite
dazzling in this outfit. None of the young
gallants at court could possibly compete! |
| M JORDAN |
Get away. |
| MADAME J |
(Aside)
He's buttering him up, as usual. |
| DORANTE |
Turn around. Oh,
my! |
| MADAME J |
(Aside)
Quite! Just as ridiculous from the back as from
the front! |
| DORANTE |
My dear Monsieur
Jordan, I simply had to come and see you.
No-one's friendship means more to me than yours,
and I was saying as much only this morning in the
King's bedchamber. |
| M JORDAN |
You do me too
much honour, Count. (To Madame J) See! In
the King's bedchamber! |
| DORANTE |
Please, monsieur,
feel free to put on your hat. |
| M JORDAN |
But, Count, I
feel I should show you proper respect. |
| DORANTE |
For heaven's
sake, monsieur, no need to stand on ceremony! |
| M JORDAN |
But, Count… |
| DORANTE |
I insist, old
man, no formality between friends. |
| M JORDAN |
Your servant,
sir. |
| DORANTE |
Dammit, man, I
cannot cover my head unless you do the same! |
| M JORDAN |
Very well, since
you insist, even though it's bad manners. (Replaces
his hat) |
| DORANTE |
I'm indebted to
you. (Replaces his hat) |
| MADAME J |
(Aside)
Oh, we're well aware of that already! |
| DORANTE |
You have
frequently lent me money, and with much good
grace. |
| M JORDAN |
Please, Count,
don't mention it. |
| DORANTE |
But I know how to
repay kindnesses, and to return a favour where
one is due. |
| M JORDAN |
Really, Count,
there's no need… |
| DORANTE |
Which is why I
have come here today to settle my account with
you |
| M JORDAN |
I beg your
pardon? |
| DORANTE |
I've come to pay
you back. |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside, to
Madame J) See! I told you so! |
| DORANTE |
I always like to
redeem any loan at the earliest possible
opportunity. |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside, to
Madame J) Isn't that exactly what I said? |
| DORANTE |
So, let's take a
quick look at what I owe you. |
| M JORDAN |
You see how
ridiculous all your suspicions were? |
| DORANTE |
Do you, by any
chance, recall how much money you have lent me? |
| M JORDAN |
I certainly do. I
have it all down here in my portable accounts
ledger (He takes a notebook from inside his
jacket) Now, let's see. Two hundred louis
given to you on this occasion. |
| DORANTE |
Ah yes, I
remember it well. |
| M JORDAN |
And on the next
it was a hundred and twenty. |
| DORANTE |
Yes. |
| M JORDAN |
And on this next
occasion a hundred and forty. |
| DORANTE |
How right you
are. |
| M JORDAN |
So these three
sums add up to four hundred and sixty louis,
which is five thousand and sixty francs. |
| DORANTE |
Excellent adding
up, if I may say so. Five thousand and sixty
francs. Excellent. |
| M JORDAN |
Then, there was
one thousand eight hundred and thirty two francs
to the bloke who supplies the feathers to your
hatter. |
| DORANTE |
Ah, indeed. |
| M JORDAN |
Two thousand
seven hundred and eighty francs to your tailor. |
| DORANTE |
How very true. |
| M JORDAN |
Four thousand
three hundred and seventy nine francs, twelve
centimes and eight deniers to your caterer. |
| DORANTE |
Spot on. Twelve
centimes and eight deniers. Mustn't forget those. |
| M JORDAN |
And one thousand
seven hundred and forty eight francs, seven
centimes and four deniers to your saddler. |
| DORANTE |
Well, all that
seems in order. What's the total amount? |
| M JORDAN |
Fifteen thousand
eight hundred francs. |
| DORANTE |
Exactly what I
make it! Fifteen thousand eight hundred. And if
we just add on these two hundred louis I'm
borrowing today, that will make a round eighteen
thousand francs, which I can let you have in a
few days' time. |
| MADAME J |
(Aside to M
Jordan) Now do you believe me? |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside to
Madame J) Shut up! |
| DORANTE |
It's no trouble,
is it, to let me have this? |
| M JORDAN |
Of course not! |
| MADAME J |
(Aside, to M
Jordan) That man treats you like a milch-cow! |
| M JORDAN |
Shut up! |
| DORANTE |
If you can't
manage it, I can go elsewhere. |
| M JORDAN |
No, monsieur, I
wouldn't hear of it. |
| MADAME J |
(Aside to M
Jordan) He'll not rest until he's bankrupted
you! |
| M JORDAN |
Will you shut up,
woman? |
| DORANTE |
You have only to
say, if you find yourself a little short… |
| M JORDAN |
Absolutely not,
monsieur, there's no problem. |
| MADAME J |
(Aside, to M
Jordan) He's a real con man! |
| M JORDAN |
I said shut up! |
| MADAME J |
He'll suck you
dry! To the very last centime! |
| M JORDAN |
Did I or did I
not say shut up? |
| DORANTE |
There are, of
course, many who would bite my arm off for the
chance to lend me such a trifling sum; but, since
you are my very best friend, I'm reluctant to
offend you by going elsewhere. |
| M JORDAN |
You do me too
great an honour, my dear Count. I shall go and
fetch the cash for you myself. |
| MADAME J |
What? You're
actually going to give it to him? |
| M JORDAN |
What choice do I
have? A person of noble birth like that who only
this morning was chatting to the king about me? |
| MADAME J |
Get out of my
sight, you silly sucker! |
| |
(Exit M
Jordan) |
| DORANTE |
You don't seem
your usual cheery self, Madame Jordan. Is
something troubling you? |
| MADAME J |
I have a tense,
nervous headache. |
| DORANTE |
Where is your
charming daughter today? I haven't seen her. |
| MADAME J |
She is quite
alright where she is. |
| DORANTE |
And, how is she
getting along? |
| MADAME J |
By putting one
foot in front of the other, like anyone else. |
| DORANTE |
Perhaps I can
invite you both to accompany me to the next
ballet that is to be performed for the king at
court. Or perhaps a comedy? |
| MADAME J |
Oh, yes! We could
do with a laugh. We certainly could. |
| DORANTE |
I can see,
madame, that you must have had many admirers in
your youth. I sense that you were beautiful and
sweet-natured… |
| MADAME J |
Do you mind,
monsieur? Am I already a decrepit old bag? |
| DORANTE |
Oh my goodness,
madame, I must beg your forgiveness! I am so
dozy, I did not notice how very young you are,
actually. Please excuse my impertinence! |
| |
(Enter M
Jordan) |
| M JORDAN |
There we are, Two
hundred louis. I counted it all out myself. |
| DORANTE |
Monsieur, how can
I ever thank you? You must allow me to render you
some service at court. |
| M JORDAN |
Well, that's very
good of you… |
| DORANTE |
For example, if
Madame should wish to attend one of the court
entertainments, I could secure one of the very
best seats in the house for her. |
| MADAME J |
Madame is too,
too grateful. |
| DORANTE |
(Aside, to M
Jordan) As I mentioned in my note, the
beautiful countess will be here this evening for
the supper and entertainment we have laid on. I
finally managed to get her to accept your gift. |
| M JORDAN |
Er, shall we just
move over here a bit? |
| DORANTE |
It took me a
whole week to persuade her to accept that
diamond, you know. She's a lady of great
scruples. She only relented this morning. |
| M JORDAN |
Was she
impressed? |
| DORANTE |
I'll say! Unless
I'm very much mistaken, that diamond should do
the trick. I sense that she's ready to succumb to
your approach! |
| M JORDAN |
God! I hope so! |
| MADAME J |
(To Nicole) Those
two are inseparable, once they get their heads
together. |
| DORANTE |
I made quite sure
that she appreciated both the value of the gift
and the intensity of your ardour. |
| M JORDAN |
I'm a lucky man,
monsieur, to have so distinguished a gentleman as
yourself to intercede for me in these affairs of
the heart. |
| DORANTE |
Don't be silly!
Isn't that what friends are for? And wouldn't you
do the same for me, if I were to ask it? |
| M JORDAN |
Oh, I most
certainly would! And most willingly! |
| MADAME J |
(Aside, to
Nicole) His very presence sets my teeth on
edge! |
| DORANTE |
For my part,
nothing is too much trouble for a friend. The
minute you told me you had conceived a great
passion for a beautiful countess who happens to
move in my social circle, it seemed only right
that I should intercede on behalf of your love. |
| M JORDAN |
You are too good
to me, Count. |
| MADAME J |
(Aside, to
Nicole) How much longer? |
| NICOLE |
They certainly
seem to enjoy each other's company. |
| DORANTE |
I think you've
hit on the right way to her heart. Women love
presents! Your endless serenades and bouquets,
the fabulous firework display you arranged on the
river, the diamond ring you sent by me, and the
lavish entertainment you have laid on for
tonight's supper, all these things speak so much
more eloquently of your great love for her than
words ever could. |
| M JORDAN |
Money's no
object, I assure you, if it wins her heart. For
the honour of making love to a woman of high
birth, I would give anything. |
| MADAME J |
What on earth can
they be plotting together? Go and see what you
can hear. |
| DORANTE |
It won't be long
now before you get to feast your eyes on her
considerable charms. |
| M JORDAN |
I've made sure
the coast will be clear. I'm sending my wife to
dine with my sister, with instructions that she
should stay there for the whole evening. |
| DORANTE |
Very wise. I
think your wife's presence this evening would be
somewhat de trop. I've given your cook this
evening's menu, and briefed everyone concerned
with the entertainment. I conceived it myself,
and if the performance lives up to the concept, I
really believe it will be…. |
| |
(M Jordan,
suddenly spotting Nicole eavesdropping, fetches
her a clip round the ear) |
| M JORDAN |
Get out of here,
you cheeky slut! (To Dorante) Let's take a
breath of fresh air. |
| |
(Exit M Jordan
and Dorante) |
| NICOLE |
Ouch, I'm going
to grow a good bruise there, for my pains! I
reckon they're definitely up to something,
Madame, and, whatever it is, you're not supposed
to know anything about it. |
| MADAME J |
I've had my
suspicions for some time, Nicole. Unless I'm very
much mistaken, my husband is planning some sort
of romantic adventure. I'll get to the bottom of
it soon enough, but now I have more urgent
matters to occupy my mind. You know that Cleonte
is in love with my daughter, Lucile? Well, I
think he would make an excellent husband for her,
and I intend to promote his cause. |
| NICOLE |
Oh, Madame! It
makes me so happy to hear you say that, for I
have fallen for his valet, Covielle! If Cleonte
and Lucile marry, then Covielle and I might be
able to get permission to marry too! It would be
so wonderful if it worked out like that! |
| MADAME J |
Go and tell
Cleonte to come and see me later, so that we can
approach my husband together, and get him to
agree to my daughter's marriage. |
| |
(Exit Madame
J) |
Scene 3
|
|
| NICOLE |
Music to my ears,
I'm off! Oh, the boys will be so thrilled at my
news! |
| |
(Enter CLEONTE
and COVIELLE) |
| |
Ah, there you
are! You'll never guess what! Wonderful
news… |
| CLEONTE |
Get out of my
sight, you little cheat, and take your treachery
with you! |
| NICOLE |
Huh? Didn't you
hear what I said…? |
| CLEONTE |
Out, I said, and
tell your faithless mistress that she has
deceived trusting Cleonte for the last time! |
| NICOLE |
My head's
spinning! Dearest Covielle, tell me, please, what
does this mean? |
| COVIELLE |
Your dearest
Covielle, little tramp? You can forget that! From
now on, stay out of my sight and leave me in
peace! |
| NICOLE |
What? You
too….? |
| COVIELLE |
Out of my sight,
I said, and never speak to me again! |
| NICOLE |
(Aside)
Well! Something's got up their noses alright! I'd
better go and let my mademoiselle know what's
going on. |
| |
(Exit Nicole) |
| CLEONTE |
How could she? To
treat a lover like that! And what a lover! The
most faithful and passionate that ever lived! |
| COVIELLE |
It's a disgrace
the way we've both been treated, and no mistake. |
| CLEONTE |
No-one could have
shown a person more passion and tenderness than
I've shown her. I've thought only of her, dreamt
only of her, spoken only of her. Every breath I
take, every move I make, my heart beats only for
her. And what do I get for all this selfless
devotion? After two endless days of separation, I
bump into her in the street. My heart leaps! My
little face lights up! In rapture, I fly to her
arms, and what happens? The treacherous cow walks
straight past me as though she'd never set eyes
on me in her life! How do you like that? |
| COVIELLE |
I agree. |
| CLEONTE |
Did you ever come
across such perfidy as that shown to me by
Lucile? |
| COVIELLE |
Or such…as
that…Nicole…showed to me? |
| CLEONTE |
After all the
passionate sacrifices, the sighs and the vows of
undying love! |
| COVIELLE |
After all the
sighs as I helped her with the kitchen chores! |
| CLEONTE |
All the tears
I've shed, with which to wash her feet! |
| COVIELLE |
All the
buckets… of water I've drawn from the well
for her! |
| CLEONTE |
How I've burned
to prove that I love her more than myself! |
| COVIELLE |
How I've
burned…my hand as I helped her turn the spit
over the fire! |
| CLEONTE |
She just walks
away from me! |
| COVIELLE |
She just turns
her back on me! |
| CLEONTE |
It's grounds for
some serious retribution! |
| COVIELLE |
It's grounds for
some serious slapping about! |
| CLEONTE |
Never mention
that girl's name to me again! |
| COVIELLE |
Me? Wouldn't
dream of it! |
| CLEONTE |
Don't come to me
trying to excuse her actions. |
| COVIELLE |
I certainly
shan't. |
| CLEONTE |
No, I tell you!
You're wasting your breath defending her. |
| COVIELLE |
Who's defending
her? |
| CLEONTE |
I intend to stay
mad at her, and I shall break off all relations. |
| COVIELLE |
Quite right. |
| CLEONTE |
Maybe it's that
Count who visits this house from time to time?
Has he made a play for her, I wonder? Has she
allowed herself to be dazzled by his title? I
must protect my honour, and dump her before she
dumps me. |
| COVIELLE |
Well said! I
think I'll do the same. |
| CLEONTE |
You must help me
to banish any lingering sentiments of love that I
may feel for her. List for me, I beg you, as many
bad things about her that occur to you. Paint me
a hideous portrait of the creature, and point out
as many disgusting features as you can, so that I
no longer feel any love for her. |
| COVIELLE |
Lucile? Well,
she's a right little madam, for a start, giving
herself airs and graces! I always thought she was
dead mediocre, and that you could do a lot better
for yourself, to be honest. For a start, she's
got little piggy eyes! |
| CLEONTE |
It's true, her
eyes are small. But they're the most sparkling,
fiery, piercing, melting sort of eyes you've ever
seen. |
| COVIELLE |
She's got a huge
mouth. |
| CLEONTE |
Yes, but it is
the most beautiful, the most desirable, the most
attractive, the most sexy mouth in the whole
world. |
| COVIELLE |
She's a bit
short. |
| CLEONTE |
But graceful with
it. |
| COVIELLE |
She's a bit
sloppy in the way she speaks, and the way she
acts… |
| CLEONTE |
True. But she is
very stylish, and has such absolutely charming
manners that she can melt any heart effortlessly. |
| COVIELLE |
As for her
wit… |
| CLEONTE |
Ah, Covielle, she
has it in spades, and so subtle! |
| COVIELLE |
Her conversation
is… |
| CLEONTE |
Totally charming! |
| COVIELLE |
And she's always
so serious. |
| CLEONTE |
Yes, and thank
God for that! Who wants to be around a constant
cheesy grin? Anyway, I always suspect a woman who
laughs a lot of taking the piss. |
| COVIELLE |
Then there's the
fact that she changes her mind every five
minutes, and about everything. |
| CLEONTE |
It's true. But
then that's the prerogative of a beautiful woman. |
| COVIELLE |
I give up. You're
doomed to be in love with her forever. |
| CLEONTE |
Me? I'd rather
die! I intend to hate her until my dying day. |
| COVIELLE |
How will you
achieve that, since you appear to find her
perfect? |
| CLEONTE |
Ah, well that's
the point, Covielle. Since I can hate her even
though she is so sweet, so beautiful, so perfect,
then how much more powerful is my hatred than if
it were directed against a dreary dog? Huh? Here
she comes. |
| |
(Enter LUCILE
and Nicole) |
| NICOLE |
I tell you, I was
shocked. |
| LUCILE |
It can only have
been due to the incident I told you about,
Nicole. Look, there he is. |
| CLEONTE |
I refuse to speak
to her. |
| COVIELLE |
Me too. |
| LUCILE |
What's the
matter, Cleonte? |
| NICOLE |
What is it,
Covielle? |
| LUCILE |
What's got you in
such a huff? |
| NICOLE |
What's made you
so grumpy? |
| LUCILE |
Are you struck
dumb, by any chance? |
| NICOLE |
Cat got your
tongue, has it? |
| CLEONTE |
Shameless hussy! |
| COVIELLE |
Jezebel! |
| LUCILE |
As I thought, you
were upset by our encounter earlier today. |
| CLEONTE |
So! At least she
admits it! |
| COVIELLE |
Prepared to own
up, are we? |
| LUCILE |
I'm right, aren't
I Cleonte? That's what's bothering you. |
| CLEONTE |
Yes, traitor,
since it seems I must speak! But don't think you
can just walk in here and dump me, because I
intend to do it to you before you do it to me. Of
course, I shall suffer indescribable pain getting
over you. Denying my great love for you is not
going to be easy, but I shall not suffer for too
long. I'll get over it eventually, and I'd rather
nurse a broken heart than a debased honour. |
| COVIELLE |
Me too. |
| LUCILE |
What a lot of
fuss about nothing1 I came here, Cleonte, to
explain why I had to give you the brush-off this
morning. |
| CLEONTE |
No! I don't want
to hear. |
| LUCILE |
I'm going to tell
you what made us pass you by so quickly… |
| CLEONTE |
I refuse to
listen! |
| LUCILE |
You should know
that, this morning…. |
| CLEONTE |
No, I say! |
| NICOLE |
Let me tell
you…. |
| COVIELLE |
No, you lying
slut! |
| LUCILE |
Listen! |
| CLEONTE |
Certainly not. |
| NICOLE |
Let me speak! |
| COVIELLE |
I am deaf. |
| LUCILE |
Cleonte! |
| CLEONTE |
No. |
| NICOLE |
Covielle! |
| COVIELLE |
Forget it. |
| LUCILE |
Hold on. |
| CLEONTE |
Fiddlesticks! |
| NICOLE |
Listen. |
| COVIELLE |
Rubbish! |
| LUCILE |
Wait a minute |
| CLEONTE |
Certainly not. |
| NICOLE |
Have patience. |
| COVIELLE |
No way. |
| LUCILE |
Just two ticks |
| CLEONTE |
No. It's over. |
| NICOLE |
One word, please. |
| COVIELLE |
We're through. |
| LUCILE |
Very well. Since
you won't listen. Believe what you like, and do
as you please. |
| NICOLE |
Fair enough, if
that's the way you want to play it. |
| CLEONTE |
Come on then.
Tell us why we got such a cool reception. |
| LUCILE |
I no longer feel
like explaining it. |
| COVIELLE |
Alright, then.
What's the story? |
| NICOLE |
Too late, I'm
afraid. I don't fancy telling you. |
| CLEONTE |
Tell me… |
| LUCILE |
No! My lips are
sealed. |
| COVIELLE |
Say
something… |
| NICOLE |
No! I'm saying
nothing. |
| CLEONTE |
Please! |
| LUCILE |
Absolutely not. |
| COVIELLE |
Have a heart! |
| NICOLE |
No way. |
| CLEONTE |
I implore you. |
| LUCILE |
Leave me alone. |
| COVIELLE |
I beg you. |
| NICOLE |
Get away. |
| CLEONTE |
Lucile! |
| LUCILE |
No! |
| COVIELLE |
Nicole! |
| NICOLE |
Nix! |
| CLEONTE |
In heaven's name! |
| LUCILE |
I refuse. |
| COVIELLE |
Speak to me. |
| NICOLE |
I will not. |
| CLEONTE |
Set my mind at
rest. |
| LUCILE |
No. I don't want
to. |
| COVIELLE |
Don't you want to
cheer me up? |
| NICOLE |
Certainly not. |
| CLEONTE |
Fine! You clearly
care nothing for my emotional well-being, and you
actually believe that you were justified in
trampling all over my feelings as you did. So,
I'll be off. You will never see me again. I
intend to take myself off to die in a ditch, in
an agony of wounded love! |
| COVIELLE |
Me too! |
| LUCILE |
Cleonte! |
| NICOLE |
Covielle |
| CLEONTE |
Eh? |
| COVIELLE |
Pardon? |
| LUCILE |
Where are you
going? |
| CLEONTE |
Where I just
said. |
| COVIELLE |
We're going to
die. In a ditch. |
| LUCILE |
You're going to
die, Cleonte? |
| CLEONTE |
Yes, you
heartless creature! Since that's what you want. |
| LUCILE |
I want you to
die? |
| CLEONTE |
Yes. |
| LUCILE |
Who says so? |
| CLEONTE |
You do. By
refusing to allay my suspicions. |
| LUCILE |
Is it my fault
you refused to listen to me? Had you done so, you
would have learned that this morning's incident
was caused by the presence of an old aunt who is
convinced that if a man so much as looks at a
girl she is dishonoured for life. Since she goes
on at me endlessly to this effect, I generally
comply with her wishes whenever I'm out with her. |
| NICOLE |
So there! |
| CLEONTE |
Are you telling
me the truth, Lucile? |
| COVIELLE |
You're not having
me on? |
| LUCILE |
Cross my heart. |
| NICOLE |
And hope to die. |
| COVIELLE |
Are we going
along with this? |
| CLEONTE |
Oh, Lucile! One
word from your adorable mouth and I'm putty in
your hands! |
| COVIELLE |
How easily they
twist us around their little fingers! |
Scene 4
|
|
| |
(Enter Madame
Jordan) |
| MADAME J |
Ah, Cleonte, just
the man I wanted to see. My husband is on his way
here. Now is your chance to ask him for Lucile's
hand in marriage. |
| CLEONTE |
Madame, your
words are music to my ears! I never received a
more delightful order, nor responded with more
pleasure! |
| |
(Enter M
Jordan) |
| |
Monsieur, I have
come here to put to you in person a matter which
has occupied my mind for some considerable time.
Not to beat about the bush, indeed to come out
with it straight, I beg you to allow me the
glorious honour of becoming your son-in-law. |
| M JORDAN |
Before I give you
my answer, Monsieur, I need to know whether you
are a gentleman by birth. |
| CLEONTE |
Sir, most men
would answer yes without hesitation. The title
'gentleman' is nowadays adopted quite casually by
all and sundry. For my part, I am somewhat
scrupulous about such things, and I consider it
unworthy, indeed cowardly, of an honest man to
give himself airs and graces, and to pass himself
off as something which he is not. As it happens,
my credentials are good. My parents held quite
important posts, I myself was an army officer for
six years, and my income enables me to maintain a
fine position in society. However, I will not
assume a false title simply for the sake of
appearances, and so I must tell you, monsieur,
that I was not born a gentleman. |
| M JORDAN |
Put it there,
Monsieur! (They shake hands heartily) You
shall not have my daughter. |
| CLEONTE |
What? |
| M JORDAN |
You're not a
gentleman. My daughter is not for you. |
| MADAME J |
What is all this
'gentleman' business? Anyone would think you and
I were descended from royalty! |
| M JORDAN |
Be quiet, wife, I
already know where you're coming from. |
| MADAME J |
We both come from
an honest trade background. |
| M JORDAN |
See? I knew it. |
| MADAME J |
Your father was a
shopkeeper, just as mine was. |
| M JORDAN |
Devil take the
woman! She never gives up! If your father was a
shopkeeper, that was his tough luck. Mine was no
such thing, and those who say he was are
misinformed. For myself, I will have a son-in-law
of noble birth. |
| MADAME J |
Your daughter
needs a decent husband. Far better for her to
marry an honest bourgeois with money and looks,
than some chinless, inbred aristocrat! |
| NICOLE |
Oooh yes! In my
village, the lord of the manor's son is the most
cretinous idiot I've ever clapped eyes on. |
| M JORDAN |
Quiet, you cheeky
wench! Keep out of this. My daughter can expect a
very handsome dowry on her marriage, if I can
just get her a title. I hope to make her a
countess. |
| MADAME J |
A countess? |
| M JORDAN |
Yes, a countess. |
| MADAME J |
Oh, please! God
help us all! |
| M JORDAN |
I am absolutely
determined on it. |
| MADAME J |
And I am
absolutely against it. Anyone who marries above
themselves is just asking for a life of
aggravation. I don't want a son-in-law who is
embarrassed by his wife's parents, nor
grandchildren who are ashamed to call me
'grandma'. I don't want my daughter visiting me
in her grand carriage, surrounded by liveried
flunkeys and snubbing the neighbours. Next thing,
I'd have to put up with all their tittle-tattle -
'See that snooty countess?' they'd say, 'that's
Jordan's daughter, who was quite happy to play
with the neighbourhood children once, but is now
too high and mighty. And both her grandfathers
were cloth traders in St Innocent's market. The
amount of wealth they managed to leave to their
children - well, you don't come by all that just
by honest trading, do you?' No, thank you! I can
do without all of that. I want a man who is
grateful for having married my daughter, and whom
I may welcome to my table, saying 'sit you down,
son, and join the family meal'. |
| M JORDAN |
Typical lack of
vision, from one who clings to the lowest rung of
the social ladder! I will not put up with any
more of this answering back! My daughter will be
a countess, and if I hear any more from any of
you, I'll make her a bloody duchess! |
| |
(Exit M
Jordan) |
| MADAME J |
Cleonte, don't
despair. Lucile, come with me. You are going to
tell your father that if you can't have this man,
you will have no-one. |
| |
(Exeunt Madame
J, Lucile and Nicole) |
| COVIELLE |
Well. Fat lot of
good that did you - sticking to your principles! |
| CLEONTE |
I had no choice.
A man's got to follow his conscience. |
| COVIELLE |
What's the point,
if you're dealing with someone who's barking mad?
Couldn't you have gone along with his fantasies
about noble birth? |
| CLEONTE |
I suppose I could
have. But it never occurred to me that I had to
provide proof of nobility in order to become
Monsieur Jordan's son-in-law. (Covielle
laughs) What are you laughing at? |
| COVIELLE |
I've just had an
idea! We can take the old boy for a ride, and get
you what you want at the same time. |
| CLEONTE |
How? |
| COVIELLE |
Remember that
group of carnival players I saw performing
yesterday? I reckon I could get them to set up a
practical joke for us. It would be right up their
street. They've certainly got all the actors,
costumes and props we'd need, and I think our man
can be relied upon to play his part to
perfection, so long as we feed him the right
cues! |
| CLEONTE |
Tell me… |
| COVIELLE |
Shush, here he
comes. Come on, I'll explain everything. |
| |
(Exeunt
Cleonte and Covielle. Enter M Jordan) |
| M JORDAN |
Dammit, what's so
wrong with wanting to spend time with the
nobility? How else would I be able to acquire any
social graces, except by picking them up from
such people? God, I'd give my right arm to have
been born a count or a marquis! |
| |
(Enter 2nd
Page) |
| 2ND
PAGE |
Sir, Count
Dorante is here. And there's a lady with him.
They're holding hands. |
| M JORDAN |
Oh my God!
Everything's not quite ready! Tell them I'll be
right back! |
| |
(Exit M
Jordan) |
Scene 5
|
|
| |
Enter Dorante
and Dorimene) |
| 2ND
PAGE |
As Monsieur says
- he'll be right back. |
| DORANTE |
Excellent. |
| |
(Exit 2nd
Page) |
| DORIMENE |
I'm not at all
sure about this, Dorante. It doesn't feel right,
letting you bring me to an assignation at a
stranger's house. |
| DORANTE |
Where else can I
woo you in private, madame, since you insist that
neither your house nor mine is sufficiently
secluded to guarantee your immunity from
scandalous exposure? |
| DORIMENE |
What's more, each
day that you shower me with lavish gifts, I feel
that I'm slipping further under your spell. My
resistance weakens in the face of your charm
offensive, and I find you have a way of
persuading me to agree to your every desire. You
have worn me down, first with your persistent
visits, then with your declarations of love, the
serenades, the gifts…I resisted, but you
refused to take no for an answer, and gradually I
have felt myself succumbing. Sooner or later, I
know, I shall give up the unequal struggle and
simply accept your inevitable offer of marriage. |
| DORANTE |
Ah, beautiful
madame, what's to stop us? You are a widow of
independent means; I am my own man and I love you
more than my own life. What do you say? Accept my
proposal of marriage today! |
| DORIMENE |
Really, Dorante,
it takes a lot of effort on both sides to make a
happy marriage. Even the two most reasonable
people in the world must encounter many problems
in the search for a perfect union, you know. |
| DORANTE |
Do not tease me,
madame, by placing obstacles in the way of our
love. You should not assume that, because your
last experience was less than satisfactory, you
cannot find happiness with another. |
| DORIMENE |
Above all, I keep
coming back to this. I'm not comfortable with the
extravagant gifts you lavish upon me. First,
because they commit me further than I wish to be
committed; and, second, because, with all due
respect, I do not believe you can afford such
expenditure. |
| DORANTE |
Nothing but
trinkets, madame, do not concern yourself
with…. |
| DORIMENE |
I mean it! I
mean, look at this diamond you gave me. It must
have cost over… |
| DORANTE |
Please, madame!
Do not place a material value on something as
priceless as my love for you. Only let
me…here is the owner of the premises… |
| |
(Enter M
Jordan. He makes two extravagant bows to
Dorimene, then finds himself too close to her) |
| M JORDAN |
Stand back,
please, madame. |
| DORIMENE |
What? |
| M JORDAN |
One step
backwards, please. |
| DORIMENE |
I beg your
pardon? |
| M JORDAN |
For the third
bow, to enable me to get my nose level with your
knees…. |
| DORANTE |
Madame, Monsieur
Jordan really knows the ropes, when it comes to
etiquette… |
| M JORDAN |
Madame, it is a
great privilege for me to be so fortunate as to
have been made so very happy to find that you
bestow so great an honour as to grant me the most
prestigious favour of your presence in my humble
abode; and if only I merited the great merit of a
merit such as yours, and if heaven…envious
of my great good fortune…had only afforded
me…the great advantage….of having been
worthy of…of… |
| DORANTE |
Come now, Jordan,
enough. Madame will be embarrassed by all this
fuss. She already knows you are a wit and a
renowned man about town. (Aside, to Dorimene)
Sorry about this. The words 'bourgeois' 'out of'
and 'depth' spring to mind! |
| DORIMENE |
I'll say! |
| DORANTE |
Madame, may I
present my best friend in the whole world. |
| M JORDAN |
You do me too
much honour. |
| DORANTE |
A man of style,
as you can see. |
| DORIMENE |
Indeed, I can
already appreciate that. |
| M JORDAN |
I have yet to be
given the opportunity of proving it to you,
madame. |
| DORANTE |
(Aside, to M
Jordan) Whatever you do, don't mention the
diamond you gave her. |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside to
Dorante) Couldn't I just ask her whether she
liked it? |
| DORANTE |
Out of the
question, old boy! Very vulgar, and she would be
deeply offended. The done thing is to deny that
it was even you who gave it to her. (out loud,
to Dorimene) Madame, M Jordan tells me he is
delighted to welcome you to his house. |
| DORIMENE |
I am honoured to
be here. |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside, to
Dorante) Thank you so much for interceding
with her on my behalf! |
| DORANTE |
(Aside, to M
Jordan) Think nothing of it, old boy,
although I must confess, I had the devil's own
job persuading her to come tonight. |
| M JORDAN |
(Aside, to
Dorante) I don't know how to repay you |
| DORANTE |
He says, madame,
that he thinks you are the most beautiful woman
in the world. |
| DORIMENE |
Monsieur, I am
flattered, |
| M JORDAN |
Oh no, madame, it
is I who am flattered that so gracious a lady as
yourself should deign to bestow on me... |
| DORANTE |
Perhaps we should
think about eating ? |
| |
(M Jordan
claps his hands. Enter the 1st
Page) |
| 1ST
PAGE |
Everything is
prepared, monsieur. |
| DORANTE |
So, why don't we
sit down, and let them bring on the food and the
music! |
| |
(M Jordan,
Dorimene and Dorante sit down. The cooks bring on
the table and food, dancing as they serve it.) |
| |
END OF ACT TWO -
Main Interval |
